My Facebook friends may be familiar with some of these...
1. Germs.
Me: Max, can I have a sip of your water?
Max: Shakes his head. I don’t like other people’s germs.
Me: Even your mummy’s? You used to live inside my body, you know…
Max: Yeah, but I forget what it tasted like.
2. The Letter P
Me: ...And what letter is this?
Sarah: P!
Me: And whose name starts with P? (Motioning towards myself...)
Sarah: Momma!
Me: Yes, but what's Momma's real name?
Sarah: Thinks for a moment and then... Babe!
3. Glowing. Sarah and I were reading this morning. She got to the last page of her book which depicted a cartoon firefly all lit up and underneath it read “I like to glow.”
Sarah read, “I like glow.”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s this?” I asked, pointing to the “to.”
Not understanding that she just missed a word and thinking she read something wrong, Sarah started again, “I like to….. I like to….. I like to light up my bum!”
4. Birds and the bees. I decided a while ago that an open approach to this topic with my children is best. So when Max asked me the inevitable baby question a couple of years ago at about age five, I tackled it head on. The ensuing conversation was much less traumatic than I anticipated. In fact, not at all so. I answered his questions frankly and he took it all very much in stride. I gave myself a little pat on the back for being a mom of the millennium! Answering sex questions with honest, age-appropriate responses.
So later my mom was visiting. (You see where this is going?) She was here on her yearly visit from Australia. We were spending a lovely Saturday afternoon, Doug was relaxing with a cool drink, Max and Nana were doing a puzzle, I was – you guessed it – Facebooking as usual. Out of the blue, Max pipes up, “Daddy, did you stick your penis in Mommy’s vagina?” As hubby stammered, grappling with the appropriate response to this question in front of his mother-in-law, Max muttered, “That’s so ‘isgusting.”
5. Birds and the bees, continued. After the aforementioned big revelation in front of my mother, I thought we had the whole issue resolved … and then some. But apparently I was wrong.
About a week later I was making a cake. (I know, I sound wonderfully domestic and June Cleaver-like, don’t I? I won’t mention how Duncan Hines was involved.) After I was done mixing I let Max have the beater to lick. He was sitting at the kitchen table happily licking away when he pronounced, “I’m so glad to be alive!” (I know. The kid kills me. Where does he come up with this stuff??)
So I said, “Well Max, I’m so glad you’re alive too! What would I do without my guy?” To which he replied, “Yeah, aren’t you so glad you put your vagina on Daddy’s belly button?”
Um, yeah.
Share your funny kid quotes!!
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Monday, February 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Five kids’ shows I like more than my kids do
(Here's another oldie but hopefully goodie post from Facebook. Enjoy!)
1. Timothy Goes to School
I don’t really know why I like this one, I just do. There’s Yoko. Love Yoko. Especially how she lives in a temple and her mother is always wearing kimono (I don’t even know any Japanese mothers in Japan who always wear kimono). Then there are the brothers Frank and Frank. It always calls to mind those Newhart characters, “This is my brother Darryl … and this is my other brother Darryl.”
2. Elmo’s World
Sadly, my kids seem to have outgrown this show. Not even my little Sarah requests it anymore. There’s something so comforting about seeing those Jim Henson puppet faces that haven’t changed since we were kids. My favourite is still Grover. Or actually Super Grover. And every so often they’ll have a retro clip straight from the days before people started trying to out Bert and Ernie. Ah, the innocence.
3. Wonder Pets
I actually don’t really like this show but the theme song gets stuck in my head and I find myself walking around the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, singing, “Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets we’re on our way, to help the baby elephant and save the day…”
4. The one where the guy uses all kinds of different materials and when you see it from an aerial view it makes a picture
Do you know the one I mean? I tried to look up the title online but what do you search? No idea. Anyway, my kids are so bored with this one. Doug and I, however, are always totally enthralled as the guy moves this and that around, shifting sheets, shaking out coloured sand. When they move up to the aerial view and the picture is revealed we’re like, “Cooooool.”
5. Peep and the Big Wide World
I saved my favourite for last. I have actually watched this show by myself. That’s right, no kids, just me. First things first: Joan Cusak narrates. That’s cool right there. Then there’s the duck. Has anyone noticed that Quack sounds like Charlotte’s gay friend from Sex and the City?? I’ve checked it out, it isn’t him but man, I keep expecting him to take off his little white hat and say “Some of the best sex I’ve had is with people I can’t stand!” That aside, that duck’s got some great quotes himself. Like, "Of course I'm a duck! I have all the duck bits. The bill. The webbed feet. The cute tail. The sailor hat." That duck kills me.
1. Timothy Goes to School
I don’t really know why I like this one, I just do. There’s Yoko. Love Yoko. Especially how she lives in a temple and her mother is always wearing kimono (I don’t even know any Japanese mothers in Japan who always wear kimono). Then there are the brothers Frank and Frank. It always calls to mind those Newhart characters, “This is my brother Darryl … and this is my other brother Darryl.”
2. Elmo’s World
Sadly, my kids seem to have outgrown this show. Not even my little Sarah requests it anymore. There’s something so comforting about seeing those Jim Henson puppet faces that haven’t changed since we were kids. My favourite is still Grover. Or actually Super Grover. And every so often they’ll have a retro clip straight from the days before people started trying to out Bert and Ernie. Ah, the innocence.
3. Wonder Pets
I actually don’t really like this show but the theme song gets stuck in my head and I find myself walking around the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, singing, “Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets we’re on our way, to help the baby elephant and save the day…”
4. The one where the guy uses all kinds of different materials and when you see it from an aerial view it makes a picture
Do you know the one I mean? I tried to look up the title online but what do you search? No idea. Anyway, my kids are so bored with this one. Doug and I, however, are always totally enthralled as the guy moves this and that around, shifting sheets, shaking out coloured sand. When they move up to the aerial view and the picture is revealed we’re like, “Cooooool.”
5. Peep and the Big Wide World
I saved my favourite for last. I have actually watched this show by myself. That’s right, no kids, just me. First things first: Joan Cusak narrates. That’s cool right there. Then there’s the duck. Has anyone noticed that Quack sounds like Charlotte’s gay friend from Sex and the City?? I’ve checked it out, it isn’t him but man, I keep expecting him to take off his little white hat and say “Some of the best sex I’ve had is with people I can’t stand!” That aside, that duck’s got some great quotes himself. Like, "Of course I'm a duck! I have all the duck bits. The bill. The webbed feet. The cute tail. The sailor hat." That duck kills me.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
5 reasons I don’t want summer to end
1. No packing lunches. It’s been so nice not to deal with the mad scramble to plan a packed lunch in the morning. Yes, sometimes I still have to throw together a picnic, but since I’m a lucky mom whose kids don’t have food allergies, it’s a lot less stress. PB&J? No problem! This granola bar has nuts in it. All the better! I don’t have his name on this. Who cares! But come September I’ll be back to those mad dash mornings and reading labels on the lookout for “May contain.” And speaking of mad mornings…
2. Sleeping in. I’ve written before about how my children are not sleepers. They take after their father. I LOVE to sleep. And my logic is, it’s the person who’s genetically responsible for their early rising tendencies who should have to get up with them in the morning. Doesn’t that seem logical to you? During the summer my husband is not as busy with work so there are some mornings when he doesn’t have to dash off at his usual pre-sunrise time. And on those blissful mornings I get to sleep in. Sometimes even past 8 a.m.! No backpacks to arrange, no bus to catch, no mad dash mornings. Ahhh, illusive sleep.
3. Sunscreen over snowsuits. In the winter, when my kids yell, “Mom, we want to go outside and play in the snow,” I almost cringe. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as worried as the next mom about my kids getting enough fresh air, vitamin D and time away from the evil TV. But it’s the whole daunting process of gathering up all the boots, hats, mitts and snowsuits that causes the cringe factor. Inevitably a boot is missing, these mitts are wet, she doesn’t like that hat, she wants the other one. You have to try and get them to pee before you put everything on and then they always come back five minutes later, take everything off and then want to go out again five minutes after that. Painful. In the summer I hand them their hats and Crocs – which they can put on themselves, BTW – and off they go! Okay, maybe in this day and age we also have to deal with sunscreen. But there’s no on and off with lotion. I’ll take sunscreen over snowsuits any day of the week.
4. The sun. Towards the end of the summer I think we start taking for granted that we wake up to the sun and generally still have its wonderful, warm presence with us until around 9 p.m. I was on our usual evening walk with my neighbour when, at 8:30 p.m., we found ourselves losing light and I realized those days are fast coming to an end. It won’t be long before we wake up in darkness and come home in darkness. The only upside of this is that I’ll no longer have to convince my kids that, yes it’s still light out but it’s still time for bed.
5. The cottage. No, I’m not one of those lucky people who own one. Although, I still maintain that I have enough to keep me busy with the one house I own. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a whole other house that not only takes up as much time, money and effort to maintain, but also takes me hours to get to in order to expend said time, money and effort. But I digress. We rented a cottage this year, the first time we’ve done so on our own, just our little four person family. And so we experienced the long standing Canadian tradition of summer family time at a cottage. It was wonderful. Or I thought so. Hubby, who isn’t as used to spending 24-7 with two children who alternately love each other passionately and two minutes later fight equally passionately, thought it was slightly less wonderful. But, in my opinion, it’s a little harder to be stressed when you’re surrounded by sun, sand, gently l
apping waves and fresh air. The kids loved it when their dad buried them in the sand. Here’s a photo. Tell me, do I need to be worried that she wanted us to make her some boobies?
Stay tuned next week for 5 reasons I want these children to get back to school already!
2. Sleeping in. I’ve written before about how my children are not sleepers. They take after their father. I LOVE to sleep. And my logic is, it’s the person who’s genetically responsible for their early rising tendencies who should have to get up with them in the morning. Doesn’t that seem logical to you? During the summer my husband is not as busy with work so there are some mornings when he doesn’t have to dash off at his usual pre-sunrise time. And on those blissful mornings I get to sleep in. Sometimes even past 8 a.m.! No backpacks to arrange, no bus to catch, no mad dash mornings. Ahhh, illusive sleep.
3. Sunscreen over snowsuits. In the winter, when my kids yell, “Mom, we want to go outside and play in the snow,” I almost cringe. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as worried as the next mom about my kids getting enough fresh air, vitamin D and time away from the evil TV. But it’s the whole daunting process of gathering up all the boots, hats, mitts and snowsuits that causes the cringe factor. Inevitably a boot is missing, these mitts are wet, she doesn’t like that hat, she wants the other one. You have to try and get them to pee before you put everything on and then they always come back five minutes later, take everything off and then want to go out again five minutes after that. Painful. In the summer I hand them their hats and Crocs – which they can put on themselves, BTW – and off they go! Okay, maybe in this day and age we also have to deal with sunscreen. But there’s no on and off with lotion. I’ll take sunscreen over snowsuits any day of the week.
4. The sun. Towards the end of the summer I think we start taking for granted that we wake up to the sun and generally still have its wonderful, warm presence with us until around 9 p.m. I was on our usual evening walk with my neighbour when, at 8:30 p.m., we found ourselves losing light and I realized those days are fast coming to an end. It won’t be long before we wake up in darkness and come home in darkness. The only upside of this is that I’ll no longer have to convince my kids that, yes it’s still light out but it’s still time for bed.
5. The cottage. No, I’m not one of those lucky people who own one. Although, I still maintain that I have enough to keep me busy with the one house I own. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a whole other house that not only takes up as much time, money and effort to maintain, but also takes me hours to get to in order to expend said time, money and effort. But I digress. We rented a cottage this year, the first time we’ve done so on our own, just our little four person family. And so we experienced the long standing Canadian tradition of summer family time at a cottage. It was wonderful. Or I thought so. Hubby, who isn’t as used to spending 24-7 with two children who alternately love each other passionately and two minutes later fight equally passionately, thought it was slightly less wonderful. But, in my opinion, it’s a little harder to be stressed when you’re surrounded by sun, sand, gently l
apping waves and fresh air. The kids loved it when their dad buried them in the sand. Here’s a photo. Tell me, do I need to be worried that she wanted us to make her some boobies?Stay tuned next week for 5 reasons I want these children to get back to school already!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
5 strange and inappropriate songs my kids love
Like so many, I love my iPod and I love that I can play it in my vehicle. One side effect though, is that my children are introduced to songs to which they wouldn’t otherwise be exposed. But thanks to my beloved iPod they continually request songs like:
London Bridge. I mean the one by Fergie. You know, with questionable lyrics like “How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down.” Not what you want to hear out of the mouth of your three-year-old daughter. Or six-year-old son, for that matter.
Hey Big Spender. Okay, at the risk of being mocked relentlessly and revealing myself as the total nerd that I am, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and admit something totally embarrassing. I like to download karaoke versions of songs and then sing them as I drive. I know! Never bring this up to me in conversation. I will deny it and pretend I made it up purely for your amusement. Anyway. This song is one of my favourites and the kids have the singing cred to prove it. Imagine one little miss Sarah suddenly belting out, “Hey big spender! Spe-eend … a little time with me” in the middle of Zellers. Freaking hilarious.
I’m Just a Kid. Simple Plan’s homage to teen angst seems to be harmless enough, if maybe a little depressing. Although, one could question my parenting skills when Max’s favourite song laments, “I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare.” The biggest problem with this song, however, is that I accidentally downloaded the explicit version. Instead of the radio version that asks “What the hell is wrong with me?” the version I have spits out, “What the f&$* is wrong with me?” Whoops! I have to have my fingers poised on the volume button each time that part comes up. Why not just download the radio edit, you ask? That would be way too easy!
Kung Fu Fighting. My sister introduced my kids to the original Carl Douglas version of this song. Shortly after Kung Fu Panda was released there was no going back. My kids just love to shout out “Hu!” and “Ha!” while making karate chop motions along to this song. But it is a lot more politically incorrect than I remember it. Aside from including the tacky oriental riff through the whole song, the line “They were funky China Men from funky China Town” sorta makes my PI radar go up.
If it Wasnae for your Wellies. Here’s one the non-Scottish contingent may not be familiar with. It’s a little ditty from Scottish comedian Billy Connolly that I downloaded for my father about “the importance of Wellington boots in Scottish culture.” Normally Billy has quite the “blue” sense of humour (Check him out if you don’t believe me). Luckily, in this version, the worst thing he says is “Jesus Christ.” But because of his Scottish accent my children sing along with lyrics like “… you’d be in the hospital or in family” instead of “infirmary.” I couldn’t figure out what Max was talking about when he asked me what “gai-ya-bun-dun” meant until I heard Billy suggest you sing the song by “leaping into it in a mood of gay abandon.”
London Bridge. I mean the one by Fergie. You know, with questionable lyrics like “How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down.” Not what you want to hear out of the mouth of your three-year-old daughter. Or six-year-old son, for that matter.
Hey Big Spender. Okay, at the risk of being mocked relentlessly and revealing myself as the total nerd that I am, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and admit something totally embarrassing. I like to download karaoke versions of songs and then sing them as I drive. I know! Never bring this up to me in conversation. I will deny it and pretend I made it up purely for your amusement. Anyway. This song is one of my favourites and the kids have the singing cred to prove it. Imagine one little miss Sarah suddenly belting out, “Hey big spender! Spe-eend … a little time with me” in the middle of Zellers. Freaking hilarious.
I’m Just a Kid. Simple Plan’s homage to teen angst seems to be harmless enough, if maybe a little depressing. Although, one could question my parenting skills when Max’s favourite song laments, “I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare.” The biggest problem with this song, however, is that I accidentally downloaded the explicit version. Instead of the radio version that asks “What the hell is wrong with me?” the version I have spits out, “What the f&$* is wrong with me?” Whoops! I have to have my fingers poised on the volume button each time that part comes up. Why not just download the radio edit, you ask? That would be way too easy!
Kung Fu Fighting. My sister introduced my kids to the original Carl Douglas version of this song. Shortly after Kung Fu Panda was released there was no going back. My kids just love to shout out “Hu!” and “Ha!” while making karate chop motions along to this song. But it is a lot more politically incorrect than I remember it. Aside from including the tacky oriental riff through the whole song, the line “They were funky China Men from funky China Town” sorta makes my PI radar go up.
If it Wasnae for your Wellies. Here’s one the non-Scottish contingent may not be familiar with. It’s a little ditty from Scottish comedian Billy Connolly that I downloaded for my father about “the importance of Wellington boots in Scottish culture.” Normally Billy has quite the “blue” sense of humour (Check him out if you don’t believe me). Luckily, in this version, the worst thing he says is “Jesus Christ.” But because of his Scottish accent my children sing along with lyrics like “… you’d be in the hospital or in family” instead of “infirmary.” I couldn’t figure out what Max was talking about when he asked me what “gai-ya-bun-dun” meant until I heard Billy suggest you sing the song by “leaping into it in a mood of gay abandon.”
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