5 tantrum tactics

Some of you may be aware that we live with a diva. I’m not proud. I don’t know how two reasonably intelligent adults who both grew up in relatively normal households could breed a monster who looks remarkably like a cute, little five-year-old girl. But we have.

I justified it to myself by saying that many mothers of five-year-old girls have told me about their whining monsters. True. But if all of the other mothers jumped off a bridge… (Although, sometimes the diva makes me want to jump off a bridge.)

So we sought help. Professional help. I’m not ashamed. I’ll admit it. I don’t know if we were out of our depth or if we just needed someone to put it to us in straightforward terms. Regardless, we got advice. And one of the things we were instructed to do was to wait out a tantrum. Don’t get angry. Don’t threaten or cajole or plead. Simply ignore it.

Miss Diva tried many tactics to try and win over my attention with her negative behaviour. Here are five:

1. I’m hungry. “I’m hungry” quickly turned into “I’m starving” which soon was “I’m starving to death” and then “I’m going to die if I don’t get some food.” (This from the girl who turned her nose up at scrambled eggs a mere two minutes beforehand.) This tactic, by the way, came back at the end, (after “I wanna talk to Daddy” – see #5) with an “I’m starving like an animal who never, ever gets to eat” reprisal.

2. I need a tissue. Really, I thought “I have to go pee” would precede any other requests pertaining to bodily functions, the diva knowing how I usually jump at the mere mention of pee. What can I say? She surprised me. Or perhaps she was a little off her game this morning. You know, being on the verge of death due to starvation and all.

3. I need to throw this tissue in the garbage. Okay, I giggled a little at this one. Quietly, of course.

4. I need my teddy bear. Thirty seconds before this tactic she had started to quiet down to the point where I had my mouth open to tell her to come out (I was only waiting for ten seconds of silence) when the teddy bear whining started up. So close!

5. I wanna talk to Daddy. This one was my fault. At the thirty minute mark (Yes, I said thirty minutes. Of a tantrum.) I decided to give hubby a call. In a shift from the norm, it wasn’t to gripe however. It was just to give a cheerful update on the status of events, i.e. that the new sheriff was in town and she had started throwing people in the clink, uh, I mean, time out. Anyway, as soon as she heard the phone the “I wanna talk to Daddy” song started, complete with a chorus of “I wanna tell him all about how this happened.”

There were a couple more tactics. Worth mentioning are “I wanna go to my room,” and “I wanna go to school,” two places she normally is loathe to go. The whole thing lasted 55 minutes. Oh yes. Our little diva is nothing if not stubborn.

Hm. I wonder where she gets that from? Perhaps from her mother. Who lasted the 55 minutes. And did not give in. *Cue triumphant and thunderous applause*

Day one of the new sheriff in town: Mama 1. Diva 0.

5 impossible kid questions

1. How high can you count? I have never been very good at math. If I had the time to sit around and just count, how high could I go? How many billions in a trillion? What comes after trillion? Is zillion a real number?

2. What’s this song all about, Mom? (Max, asking about “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers).

Me: Well, it’s about a guy who likes a girl but she likes another guy.
Max: Why does she like another guy?
Me: I don’t know. She just does.
Max: Why doesn’t he find another girl to like?
Me: He just likes her. He doesn’t want to find another one.
Max: Why is he in a cage?
Me: Ummmmmm …

3. Why does the sun follow us everywhere we go? I tried the “it’s really big,” “it’s not really following us” stuff. At three years old, this explanation does not satisfy. It’s big, it’s yellow, I’m looking out the car window and I can see it following me. Everywhere. Why does it do that?

4. Is it tomorrow today? Who knew existentialism would be something that came up in conversation with a five year old? Try answering this: “No, it’s tomorrow tomorrow,” and you’ll get: “Then will it be tomorrow?” So you may say: “No, then tomorrow will be tomorrow,” and after fifteen minutes I’m fairly certain you can reach enlightenment in much the same way as is possible after pondering the Zen koan, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

5. What’s the opposite of peanut butter? Um, jam? No peanut butter? Bread?