1. Ashley from Sin Cities. Do you watch this show? Ashley Hames is the lanky, nerdy, bespectacled Brit host who takes you to cities around the world in search of the most bizarre sexual fetishes. Does this seem like the recipe for a sex symbol to you? Me neither. Especially when you see him in such humiliating and painful looking situations as having his testicles nailed to a board or having huge, industrial-looking, metal hooks strung through the skin of his back or being lead around naked on a leash, to name but a meager few on a very long list. But he’s funny and amazingly game for anything. I don’t know. It works.
2. Dan Connor. Goofy, overweight, blue collar jokester is not my usual dream guy. But John Goodman makes Roseanne’s long suffering husband charming and loveable. On the opposite end of the bad boy’s mysterious allure, Dan is the quintessential good guy in his salt-of-the-earth, middle American, tough on the outside, soft on the inside way. Perhaps my favourite episode is when he finds out Jackie – the sister-in-law he only just barely tolerates hanging around his house annoying him everyday – is getting beat up by her boyfriend. He takes one look at Jackie huddled in tears and wordlessly grabs his jacket and slips out the back door. Dan Connor, avenger of abused women, to the rescue!
3. Tony Soprano. But speaking of bad boys, I find it completely inexplicable why a murdering, cheating, overweight, balding, selfish head of a crime family would be in any way attractive to me whatsoever, but for some reason, he kinda is. During the writers’ strike my husband and I survived the lack of original TV by purchasing all six seasons of the Sopranos on DVD. It was addictive. We watched two or three episodes a night and by the end of it, we were fighting the urge to talk to each other with an Italian-New Jersey accent complete with expletives and Paulie-type hand gestures. And I was sort of crushing on Tony. I think the combination of his unyielding power at work combined with the vulnerability he would show in his sessions with Dr. Melfi somehow melded this crime lord into something appealing.
4. George Stroumboulopoulos. I personally don’t think George should be on this list. I don’t find anything “strange” about being attracted to the cute, funny, witty, sexy host of a smart Canadian prime time talk show with great guests. But my husband insists it’s strange so I’ve added him. Plus it gives me an excuse to blog about him. I love how George starts off The Hour with, “I’m your boyfriend, George Stroumbouloupoulos.” How does he know?! I thought it was all in my head but there he is, announcing it. Love ya, George!
5. Anderson Cooper. The distinguished grey hair. The piercing blue eyes. Intelligent, well-spoken, knowledgeable, quirky, self-deprecating, well-dressed….Okay, I realize he’s totally gay, which is what puts him on this list. That doesn’t stop Erica Hill from shamelessly flirting with him on America’s number one cable news network. It’s not just me, right? She totally wants him. I’m with you Erica… even if Anderson ain’t with us.
So, who’s on your list of unlikely secret boyfriends?
Monday, September 8, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
5 things that “drive” me crazy
(Caveat: My father always told me sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Well, what can I say? Prepare to get down and dirty…)
1. Advanced green imbeciles. What about a green arrow pointing in the direction you wish to go is confusing to some people? I was the second car in line at an advanced green yesterday. The arrow lights up – nothing happens. No movement from the car ahead of me. I do a little tap on the horn. You know, a still-friendly-just-a-little-reminder tap. Still nothing. So now I lean a little more insistently on the horn. Not only does she still not move, now she’s making irritated hand gestures at me in the rearview mirror. Apparently my honking is really bothering her. The advanced turns yellow. Still nothing. Then she decides to whip out right as the yellow arrow fades so there’s just enough time for her car to get through but leaving me at a solid red light. Wonderful. Equally as annoying are drivers who approach an advanced green light with the same trepidation as one might approach say, a large, wild animal or Paris Hilton movie. They creep up slowly, stop, look both ways, contemplate, and finally turn just after the advanced ends and the oncoming traffic starts to go. Again, leaving the person behind making frustrated hand gestures and teaching their children inappropriate language.
2. Distracted drivers. Everybody hates the clueless driver chatting away on his cell phone, consumed in his conversation and totally oblivious to things apparently less important than his caller, like road safety. But I think a worse offender is the driver looking for a house or store. I live in a new development so it seems there are constantly people just driving around, looking at houses. Getting stuck behind such a driver is nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating. They creep along the road, stop for a second, craning their necks and just when you decide to pass them they start slowly driving again. Looking at houses is fine, but if you’re going to sit in front of a house admiring the brick work for five minutes, maybe you should signal and pull over instead of sitting in the street. I’m just saying.
3. No “thank you” wave. It makes the world a nicer place to be when people are considerate and polite. Don’t you think? I always wave when someone lets me in front of them. It’s about courtesy, people. Come on!
4. Drivers who stop to chat. Two drivers who happen to know each other are driving towards each other from opposite directions and stop to have a chat. On a residential street that isn’t very busy I guess this is okay. But wouldn’t you think when the chatters see another driver coming up behind one of them they would wrap it up and get going? Not always! This seems to happen a lot in my growing neighbourhood, particularly with construction workers. My favourite is when they not only continue their little conversation but wave you to go around them, like you’re interrupting them with your pesky intent to drive down the street. Does it say “boardroom” on this road anywhere??
5. Myself. Now that I’ve finished ranting about everybody else (thanks for letting me get that out, by the way, I feel much better – I’ll go easy on the sarcasm next time) I have to admit that the worst thing about driving these days is me. Apparently I need to start drinking ginseng tea or taking some gingko biloba. I’ll be driving and talking to the kids, or singing karaoke (shut up), or thinking about my next List of 5, when suddenly I’m sailing right past the exit I wanted. The worst is when it takes me a while to realize it. I’ve actually driven for upwards of five minutes in the wrong direction before I've noticed, hey, wait a second, why does everything look different from usual? Which is bad enough, but then you have to explain to the person expecting you why it took twice as long for you to get there. Try sounding intelligent while telling someone, uh, sorry I’m late, I missed my exit and drove 5 k in the wrong direction because I was thinking about my blog. So here’s my PSA: Don’t blog and drive.
1. Advanced green imbeciles. What about a green arrow pointing in the direction you wish to go is confusing to some people? I was the second car in line at an advanced green yesterday. The arrow lights up – nothing happens. No movement from the car ahead of me. I do a little tap on the horn. You know, a still-friendly-just-a-little-reminder tap. Still nothing. So now I lean a little more insistently on the horn. Not only does she still not move, now she’s making irritated hand gestures at me in the rearview mirror. Apparently my honking is really bothering her. The advanced turns yellow. Still nothing. Then she decides to whip out right as the yellow arrow fades so there’s just enough time for her car to get through but leaving me at a solid red light. Wonderful. Equally as annoying are drivers who approach an advanced green light with the same trepidation as one might approach say, a large, wild animal or Paris Hilton movie. They creep up slowly, stop, look both ways, contemplate, and finally turn just after the advanced ends and the oncoming traffic starts to go. Again, leaving the person behind making frustrated hand gestures and teaching their children inappropriate language.
2. Distracted drivers. Everybody hates the clueless driver chatting away on his cell phone, consumed in his conversation and totally oblivious to things apparently less important than his caller, like road safety. But I think a worse offender is the driver looking for a house or store. I live in a new development so it seems there are constantly people just driving around, looking at houses. Getting stuck behind such a driver is nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating. They creep along the road, stop for a second, craning their necks and just when you decide to pass them they start slowly driving again. Looking at houses is fine, but if you’re going to sit in front of a house admiring the brick work for five minutes, maybe you should signal and pull over instead of sitting in the street. I’m just saying.
3. No “thank you” wave. It makes the world a nicer place to be when people are considerate and polite. Don’t you think? I always wave when someone lets me in front of them. It’s about courtesy, people. Come on!
4. Drivers who stop to chat. Two drivers who happen to know each other are driving towards each other from opposite directions and stop to have a chat. On a residential street that isn’t very busy I guess this is okay. But wouldn’t you think when the chatters see another driver coming up behind one of them they would wrap it up and get going? Not always! This seems to happen a lot in my growing neighbourhood, particularly with construction workers. My favourite is when they not only continue their little conversation but wave you to go around them, like you’re interrupting them with your pesky intent to drive down the street. Does it say “boardroom” on this road anywhere??
5. Myself. Now that I’ve finished ranting about everybody else (thanks for letting me get that out, by the way, I feel much better – I’ll go easy on the sarcasm next time) I have to admit that the worst thing about driving these days is me. Apparently I need to start drinking ginseng tea or taking some gingko biloba. I’ll be driving and talking to the kids, or singing karaoke (shut up), or thinking about my next List of 5, when suddenly I’m sailing right past the exit I wanted. The worst is when it takes me a while to realize it. I’ve actually driven for upwards of five minutes in the wrong direction before I've noticed, hey, wait a second, why does everything look different from usual? Which is bad enough, but then you have to explain to the person expecting you why it took twice as long for you to get there. Try sounding intelligent while telling someone, uh, sorry I’m late, I missed my exit and drove 5 k in the wrong direction because I was thinking about my blog. So here’s my PSA: Don’t blog and drive.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
5 songs I’m too old to like … but I do anyway.
Here's a list I posted on Facebook last year. The references are a little dated but I hope you still like it...
1. Don’t Cha, The Pussycat Dolls. Okay, I don’t think I’m the only one that’s guilty of this offense. I know there must be others out there who are inexplicably seduced by the way Nicole says, “I know you DO!” But at least I didn’t watch the Search for the Next Doll. (Okay, I watched the finale. In my defense, I was trapped in the house and there was nothing else on.)
2. Hollaback Girl, Gwen Stefani. Now I’m not going to go the obvious route and point out that any song that spells out the word “bananas” isn’t meant for anybody who’s risen above grade four. Instead I’ll say that originally I thought that this song was about not engaging in immature name calling, kind of in the “sticks and stones” vein. But then I actually listened to the words. “I’m gonna fight. Gonna sock it to you.” Wow. Was I wrong. But you gotta love those marching band drums!!
3. London Bridge, Fergie. With this one, maybe it’s not that I’m too old, just (hopefully) not skanky enough. But like with Nicole from the Dolls, there’s something about the way Fergie rhymes “floor” with “ho.” Doesn’t seem possible, but Fergie pulls it off!
4. U + Ur Hand, Pink. This song rocks! I know it’s been more years than I care to admit since I actually went out to clubs but still, doesn’t it bring you right back to those clubbing days? “At the door we don’t wait ‘cause we know them.” I am at Mac floating past the line at the John. Good times. Brain hemorrhage anyone??
5. Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne. Hmphfff … That’s my transcription of the sound of me hiding my head in shame. Because I am most embarrassed about this one. I just can’t believe I like a song that states, “She’s like, so whatever.” But I think what really brought it home to me was when this song was featured by almost every troop in my six-year old niece’s cheerleading competition. That’s right. I have the musical taste of a six year old. That’s why I’m singing away to this song in the Pathfinder whenever it comes on the radio. Thank God there isn’t one of those hidden cameras in my truck like on that VH1 show. I’d be screwed.
********
I had this ready to post yesterday when I realized I had to make a special addition:
I don’t live in a trailer park, but I like this song
Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood. There’s something about a song that promotes vengefulness and taking the law into your own hands, isn’t there? Boyfriend’s cheating? Forget about taking the high road. Never mind the best revenge is living well. Get him where it hurts. His “suped up pretty little four wheel drive.” Good song, but I can’t help but imagine what Judge Judy would have to say to Carrie about her unlady-like behaviour…
2. Hollaback Girl, Gwen Stefani. Now I’m not going to go the obvious route and point out that any song that spells out the word “bananas” isn’t meant for anybody who’s risen above grade four. Instead I’ll say that originally I thought that this song was about not engaging in immature name calling, kind of in the “sticks and stones” vein. But then I actually listened to the words. “I’m gonna fight. Gonna sock it to you.” Wow. Was I wrong. But you gotta love those marching band drums!!
3. London Bridge, Fergie. With this one, maybe it’s not that I’m too old, just (hopefully) not skanky enough. But like with Nicole from the Dolls, there’s something about the way Fergie rhymes “floor” with “ho.” Doesn’t seem possible, but Fergie pulls it off!
4. U + Ur Hand, Pink. This song rocks! I know it’s been more years than I care to admit since I actually went out to clubs but still, doesn’t it bring you right back to those clubbing days? “At the door we don’t wait ‘cause we know them.” I am at Mac floating past the line at the John. Good times. Brain hemorrhage anyone??
5. Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne. Hmphfff … That’s my transcription of the sound of me hiding my head in shame. Because I am most embarrassed about this one. I just can’t believe I like a song that states, “She’s like, so whatever.” But I think what really brought it home to me was when this song was featured by almost every troop in my six-year old niece’s cheerleading competition. That’s right. I have the musical taste of a six year old. That’s why I’m singing away to this song in the Pathfinder whenever it comes on the radio. Thank God there isn’t one of those hidden cameras in my truck like on that VH1 show. I’d be screwed.
********
I had this ready to post yesterday when I realized I had to make a special addition:
I don’t live in a trailer park, but I like this song
Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood. There’s something about a song that promotes vengefulness and taking the law into your own hands, isn’t there? Boyfriend’s cheating? Forget about taking the high road. Never mind the best revenge is living well. Get him where it hurts. His “suped up pretty little four wheel drive.” Good song, but I can’t help but imagine what Judge Judy would have to say to Carrie about her unlady-like behaviour…
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