5 things that “drive” me crazy

(Caveat: My father always told me sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Well, what can I say? Prepare to get down and dirty…)

1. Advanced green imbeciles. What about a green arrow pointing in the direction you wish to go is confusing to some people? I was the second car in line at an advanced green yesterday. The arrow lights up – nothing happens. No movement from the car ahead of me. I do a little tap on the horn. You know, a still-friendly-just-a-little-reminder tap. Still nothing. So now I lean a little more insistently on the horn. Not only does she still not move, now she’s making irritated hand gestures at me in the rearview mirror. Apparently my honking is really bothering her. The advanced turns yellow. Still nothing. Then she decides to whip out right as the yellow arrow fades so there’s just enough time for her car to get through but leaving me at a solid red light. Wonderful. Equally as annoying are drivers who approach an advanced green light with the same trepidation as one might approach say, a large, wild animal or Paris Hilton movie. They creep up slowly, stop, look both ways, contemplate, and finally turn just after the advanced ends and the oncoming traffic starts to go. Again, leaving the person behind making frustrated hand gestures and teaching their children inappropriate language.

2. Distracted drivers. Everybody hates the clueless driver chatting away on his cell phone, consumed in his conversation and totally oblivious to things apparently less important than his caller, like road safety. But I think a worse offender is the driver looking for a house or store. I live in a new development so it seems there are constantly people just driving around, looking at houses. Getting stuck behind such a driver is nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating. They creep along the road, stop for a second, craning their necks and just when you decide to pass them they start slowly driving again. Looking at houses is fine, but if you’re going to sit in front of a house admiring the brick work for five minutes, maybe you should signal and pull over instead of sitting in the street. I’m just saying.

3. No “thank you” wave. It makes the world a nicer place to be when people are considerate and polite. Don’t you think? I always wave when someone lets me in front of them. It’s about courtesy, people. Come on!

4. Drivers who stop to chat. Two drivers who happen to know each other are driving towards each other from opposite directions and stop to have a chat. On a residential street that isn’t very busy I guess this is okay. But wouldn’t you think when the chatters see another driver coming up behind one of them they would wrap it up and get going? Not always! This seems to happen a lot in my growing neighbourhood, particularly with construction workers. My favourite is when they not only continue their little conversation but wave you to go around them, like you’re interrupting them with your pesky intent to drive down the street. Does it say “boardroom” on this road anywhere??

5. Myself. Now that I’ve finished ranting about everybody else (thanks for letting me get that out, by the way, I feel much better – I’ll go easy on the sarcasm next time) I have to admit that the worst thing about driving these days is me. Apparently I need to start drinking ginseng tea or taking some gingko biloba. I’ll be driving and talking to the kids, or singing karaoke (shut up), or thinking about my next List of 5, when suddenly I’m sailing right past the exit I wanted. The worst is when it takes me a while to realize it. I’ve actually driven for upwards of five minutes in the wrong direction before I've noticed, hey, wait a second, why does everything look different from usual? Which is bad enough, but then you have to explain to the person expecting you why it took twice as long for you to get there. Try sounding intelligent while telling someone, uh, sorry I’m late, I missed my exit and drove 5 k in the wrong direction because I was thinking about my blog. So here’s my PSA: Don’t blog and drive.