Another Canadian Parents article

I've had another article published at this online magazine. If you'd like, check it out here!

5 things I didn’t know until I became a mom

(Don't hate me for continuing to use old Facebook posts. I'm taking a writing class right now and it's been taking up my writing time. Thank you to everyone who's continued to check back, regardless of the slowdown in updates. And thank you to those who have left comments - I'm sorry I haven't been replying these days. Don't lose faith! I will be back to brand new posts ASAP!)

1. That the Alphabet Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune.

2. That someone could think that dipping sushi in ketchup or grapes in soy sauce is a reasonable culinary decision.

3. That sometimes diapering a toddler is more difficult than putting a tuxedo on a horse.

4. That the length of open-mouthed silence that follows the bang of a child falling down is directly proportional to the volume of the ensuing scream, once that child catches his breath.

5. That the first time a boy told you you’re beautiful has nothing on the first time it came out of the mouth of your two year old.

Five kids’ shows I like more than my kids do

(Here's another oldie but hopefully goodie post from Facebook. Enjoy!)

1. Timothy Goes to School
I don’t really know why I like this one, I just do. There’s Yoko. Love Yoko. Especially how she lives in a temple and her mother is always wearing kimono (I don’t even know any Japanese mothers in Japan who always wear kimono). Then there are the brothers Frank and Frank. It always calls to mind those Newhart characters, “This is my brother Darryl … and this is my other brother Darryl.”

2. Elmo’s World
Sadly, my kids seem to have outgrown this show. Not even my little Sarah requests it anymore. There’s something so comforting about seeing those Jim Henson puppet faces that haven’t changed since we were kids. My favourite is still Grover. Or actually Super Grover. And every so often they’ll have a retro clip straight from the days before people started trying to out Bert and Ernie. Ah, the innocence.

3. Wonder Pets
I actually don’t really like this show but the theme song gets stuck in my head and I find myself walking around the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, singing, “Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets we’re on our way, to help the baby elephant and save the day…”

4. The one where the guy uses all kinds of different materials and when you see it from an aerial view it makes a picture
Do you know the one I mean? I tried to look up the title online but what do you search? No idea. Anyway, my kids are so bored with this one. Doug and I, however, are always totally enthralled as the guy moves this and that around, shifting sheets, shaking out coloured sand. When they move up to the aerial view and the picture is revealed we’re like, “Cooooool.”

5. Peep and the Big Wide World
I saved my favourite for last. I have actually watched this show by myself. That’s right, no kids, just me. First things first: Joan Cusak narrates. That’s cool right there. Then there’s the duck. Has anyone noticed that Quack sounds like Charlotte’s gay friend from Sex and the City?? I’ve checked it out, it isn’t him but man, I keep expecting him to take off his little white hat and say “Some of the best sex I’ve had is with people I can’t stand!” That aside, that duck’s got some great quotes himself. Like, "Of course I'm a duck! I have all the duck bits. The bill. The webbed feet. The cute tail. The sailor hat." That duck kills me.

5 men I find strangely attractive

1. Ashley from Sin Cities. Do you watch this show? Ashley Hames is the lanky, nerdy, bespectacled Brit host who takes you to cities around the world in search of the most bizarre sexual fetishes. Does this seem like the recipe for a sex symbol to you? Me neither. Especially when you see him in such humiliating and painful looking situations as having his testicles nailed to a board or having huge, industrial-looking, metal hooks strung through the skin of his back or being lead around naked on a leash, to name but a meager few on a very long list. But he’s funny and amazingly game for anything. I don’t know. It works.

2. Dan Connor. Goofy, overweight, blue collar jokester is not my usual dream guy. But John Goodman makes Roseanne’s long suffering husband charming and loveable. On the opposite end of the bad boy’s mysterious allure, Dan is the quintessential good guy in his salt-of-the-earth, middle American, tough on the outside, soft on the inside way. Perhaps my favourite episode is when he finds out Jackie – the sister-in-law he only just barely tolerates hanging around his house annoying him everyday – is getting beat up by her boyfriend. He takes one look at Jackie huddled in tears and wordlessly grabs his jacket and slips out the back door. Dan Connor, avenger of abused women, to the rescue!

3. Tony Soprano. But speaking of bad boys, I find it completely inexplicable why a murdering, cheating, overweight, balding, selfish head of a crime family would be in any way attractive to me whatsoever, but for some reason, he kinda is. During the writers’ strike my husband and I survived the lack of original TV by purchasing all six seasons of the Sopranos on DVD. It was addictive. We watched two or three episodes a night and by the end of it, we were fighting the urge to talk to each other with an Italian-New Jersey accent complete with expletives and Paulie-type hand gestures. And I was sort of crushing on Tony. I think the combination of his unyielding power at work combined with the vulnerability he would show in his sessions with Dr. Melfi somehow melded this crime lord into something appealing.

4. George Stroumboulopoulos. I personally don’t think George should be on this list. I don’t find anything “strange” about being attracted to the cute, funny, witty, sexy host of a smart Canadian prime time talk show with great guests. But my husband insists it’s strange so I’ve added him. Plus it gives me an excuse to blog about him. I love how George starts off The Hour with, “I’m your boyfriend, George Stroumbouloupoulos.” How does he know?! I thought it was all in my head but there he is, announcing it. Love ya, George!

5. Anderson Cooper. The distinguished grey hair. The piercing blue eyes. Intelligent, well-spoken, knowledgeable, quirky, self-deprecating, well-dressed….Okay, I realize he’s totally gay, which is what puts him on this list. That doesn’t stop Erica Hill from shamelessly flirting with him on America’s number one cable news network. It’s not just me, right? She totally wants him. I’m with you Erica… even if Anderson ain’t with us.



So, who’s on your list of unlikely secret boyfriends?

5 things that “drive” me crazy

(Caveat: My father always told me sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Well, what can I say? Prepare to get down and dirty…)

1. Advanced green imbeciles. What about a green arrow pointing in the direction you wish to go is confusing to some people? I was the second car in line at an advanced green yesterday. The arrow lights up – nothing happens. No movement from the car ahead of me. I do a little tap on the horn. You know, a still-friendly-just-a-little-reminder tap. Still nothing. So now I lean a little more insistently on the horn. Not only does she still not move, now she’s making irritated hand gestures at me in the rearview mirror. Apparently my honking is really bothering her. The advanced turns yellow. Still nothing. Then she decides to whip out right as the yellow arrow fades so there’s just enough time for her car to get through but leaving me at a solid red light. Wonderful. Equally as annoying are drivers who approach an advanced green light with the same trepidation as one might approach say, a large, wild animal or Paris Hilton movie. They creep up slowly, stop, look both ways, contemplate, and finally turn just after the advanced ends and the oncoming traffic starts to go. Again, leaving the person behind making frustrated hand gestures and teaching their children inappropriate language.

2. Distracted drivers. Everybody hates the clueless driver chatting away on his cell phone, consumed in his conversation and totally oblivious to things apparently less important than his caller, like road safety. But I think a worse offender is the driver looking for a house or store. I live in a new development so it seems there are constantly people just driving around, looking at houses. Getting stuck behind such a driver is nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating. They creep along the road, stop for a second, craning their necks and just when you decide to pass them they start slowly driving again. Looking at houses is fine, but if you’re going to sit in front of a house admiring the brick work for five minutes, maybe you should signal and pull over instead of sitting in the street. I’m just saying.

3. No “thank you” wave. It makes the world a nicer place to be when people are considerate and polite. Don’t you think? I always wave when someone lets me in front of them. It’s about courtesy, people. Come on!

4. Drivers who stop to chat. Two drivers who happen to know each other are driving towards each other from opposite directions and stop to have a chat. On a residential street that isn’t very busy I guess this is okay. But wouldn’t you think when the chatters see another driver coming up behind one of them they would wrap it up and get going? Not always! This seems to happen a lot in my growing neighbourhood, particularly with construction workers. My favourite is when they not only continue their little conversation but wave you to go around them, like you’re interrupting them with your pesky intent to drive down the street. Does it say “boardroom” on this road anywhere??

5. Myself. Now that I’ve finished ranting about everybody else (thanks for letting me get that out, by the way, I feel much better – I’ll go easy on the sarcasm next time) I have to admit that the worst thing about driving these days is me. Apparently I need to start drinking ginseng tea or taking some gingko biloba. I’ll be driving and talking to the kids, or singing karaoke (shut up), or thinking about my next List of 5, when suddenly I’m sailing right past the exit I wanted. The worst is when it takes me a while to realize it. I’ve actually driven for upwards of five minutes in the wrong direction before I've noticed, hey, wait a second, why does everything look different from usual? Which is bad enough, but then you have to explain to the person expecting you why it took twice as long for you to get there. Try sounding intelligent while telling someone, uh, sorry I’m late, I missed my exit and drove 5 k in the wrong direction because I was thinking about my blog. So here’s my PSA: Don’t blog and drive.

5 songs I’m too old to like … but I do anyway.

Here's a list I posted on Facebook last year. The references are a little dated but I hope you still like it...

1. Don’t Cha, The Pussycat Dolls. Okay, I don’t think I’m the only one that’s guilty of this offense. I know there must be others out there who are inexplicably seduced by the way Nicole says, “I know you DO!” But at least I didn’t watch the Search for the Next Doll. (Okay, I watched the finale. In my defense, I was trapped in the house and there was nothing else on.)

2. Hollaback Girl, Gwen Stefani. Now I’m not going to go the obvious route and point out that any song that spells out the word “bananas” isn’t meant for anybody who’s risen above grade four. Instead I’ll say that originally I thought that this song was about not engaging in immature name calling, kind of in the “sticks and stones” vein. But then I actually listened to the words. “I’m gonna fight. Gonna sock it to you.” Wow. Was I wrong. But you gotta love those marching band drums!!

3. London Bridge, Fergie. With this one, maybe it’s not that I’m too old, just (hopefully) not skanky enough. But like with Nicole from the Dolls, there’s something about the way Fergie rhymes “floor” with “ho.” Doesn’t seem possible, but Fergie pulls it off!

4. U + Ur Hand, Pink. This song rocks! I know it’s been more years than I care to admit since I actually went out to clubs but still, doesn’t it bring you right back to those clubbing days? “At the door we don’t wait ‘cause we know them.” I am at Mac floating past the line at the John. Good times. Brain hemorrhage anyone??

5. Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne. Hmphfff … That’s my transcription of the sound of me hiding my head in shame. Because I am most embarrassed about this one. I just can’t believe I like a song that states, “She’s like, so whatever.” But I think what really brought it home to me was when this song was featured by almost every troop in my six-year old niece’s cheerleading competition. That’s right. I have the musical taste of a six year old. That’s why I’m singing away to this song in the Pathfinder whenever it comes on the radio. Thank God there isn’t one of those hidden cameras in my truck like on that VH1 show. I’d be screwed.

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I had this ready to post yesterday when I realized I had to make a special addition:

I don’t live in a trailer park, but I like this song

Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood. There’s something about a song that promotes vengefulness and taking the law into your own hands, isn’t there? Boyfriend’s cheating? Forget about taking the high road. Never mind the best revenge is living well. Get him where it hurts. His “suped up pretty little four wheel drive.” Good song, but I can’t help but imagine what Judge Judy would have to say to Carrie about her unlady-like behaviour…

5 people on TV who really bug me

1. Russell, “The Cashman,” Oliver. Just when you thought his commercials couldn’t get any cheesier or more embarrassing, what does the Cashman do? He makes a dance video! OMG, could it get any worse? That song! That song that amounts to taking what Oliver says ad nausea in his ads and, horror of horrors, setting it to music. “I’m the Cashman. I’ll give you money for your go-old, yeah.” My ears! And what about those poor women? It’s bad enough to be a dance video ho to begin with; we’ve heard how poorly they’re treated. But if it’s 50 cent or P Diddy you’re humping up against, at least they’re famous. That’s gotta look better on a video ho resume than “I gyrated next to a grey haired Jewish guy flapping around handfuls of Canadian twenties.” Are these girls heading back to standing on the street corner after taping? “Oh-oh yeah!”

2. Rachel Ray. I kinda feel bad saying this one because I never really watch her show, I don’t know anything about her, I really have no basis for feeling this way. I shouldn’t be annoyed by her: she’s got a real person’s figure, she’s pleasant looking, not ugly but not beautiful. She’s girl-next-door, down-to-earth … and she’s annoying. I don’t know why. She just seems a little too cheery and happy. It comes off as fake.

3. Gayle King. I know what you’re thinking. I’m just jealous because she’s Oprah’s best friend when, clearly, I should be Oprah’s best friend. I mean, I wouldn’t make the big O want to reach in and manually tear out her ear drums so she would no longer have to suffer through my screeching along to the radio on an entire cross-country road trip, would I? But it’s more than that. It’s the Dr. Phil’s wife, Robin, factor. (Damn, there’s somebody else I should have included.) What I mean is, the show is called “Dr. Phil.” Why do we care what Robin has to say? (Recently I find it’s questionable whether or not we should care what Dr. Phil has to say.) Likewise, just because your best friend is famous does not necessarily mean you also need to take up air time on the highest rated talk show in American television history. Is it just me? Do we really care about Gayle’s favourite places to eat?

4. Carlo Rota. Maitre d’ turned actor, you may not know his name off the top of your head but trust me, he’s annoying. I was first annoyed by him on The Great Canadian Food Show. Hubby loves foodie type shows and the promise of seeing local places seems appealing. But I just can’t stomache Rota’s pretentious accent and self-important mug. Even the way he chews his food makes me want to smack him. It’s almost like a mathematical equation: take the degree of pompous, know-it-all-ness and multiply by how actually ignorant and lame a person is. Equals: Super annoying. I must confess, I haven’t watched Little Mosque on the Prairie, largely due to the fact that he’s in it. It may be that he’s not as annoying when he’s playing a character as when he’s being, you know, his annoying self. I started watching his interview on the Hour to see from the clips of the show if this is actually the case. But even the joy of watching my boyfriend, George Stroumboulopoulos, could not overcome my irritation with Rota so I couldn’t get through it. Maybe you will and you’ll let me know.

5. John Melendez. Fans of Stern will remember how Howard harped and harped about Stuttering John leaving his show to do Leno. He needn’t have given it so much thought. Other than announcing the lineup, what the heck does this guy do?? At least on Stern you heard him do his silly, stuttering red carpet bits every now and again. Apparently now all his comic writing skills can come up with is holding up a mug when his name is called. I read somewhere he’s getting $500K for that gig. Hey NBC, I’ll read some names and hold up a mug for half that. Hell, I’ll even throw in a list of 5!

I don’t watch those shows like The Bachelor and ANTM etc. So I know there are many more annoying TV faces out there that I haven’t even begun to touch upon. It’s a subject rife with possibilities, really. Tell me, who makes you want to tear off body parts and hurl them at the screen??