1. Russell, “The Cashman,” Oliver. Just when you thought his commercials couldn’t get any cheesier or more embarrassing, what does the Cashman do? He makes a dance video! OMG, could it get any worse? That song! That song that amounts to taking what Oliver says ad nausea in his ads and, horror of horrors, setting it to music. “I’m the Cashman. I’ll give you money for your go-old, yeah.” My ears! And what about those poor women? It’s bad enough to be a dance video ho to begin with; we’ve heard how poorly they’re treated. But if it’s 50 cent or P Diddy you’re humping up against, at least they’re famous. That’s gotta look better on a video ho resume than “I gyrated next to a grey haired Jewish guy flapping around handfuls of Canadian twenties.” Are these girls heading back to standing on the street corner after taping? “Oh-oh yeah!”
2. Rachel Ray. I kinda feel bad saying this one because I never really watch her show, I don’t know anything about her, I really have no basis for feeling this way. I shouldn’t be annoyed by her: she’s got a real person’s figure, she’s pleasant looking, not ugly but not beautiful. She’s girl-next-door, down-to-earth … and she’s annoying. I don’t know why. She just seems a little too cheery and happy. It comes off as fake.
3. Gayle King. I know what you’re thinking. I’m just jealous because she’s Oprah’s best friend when, clearly, I should be Oprah’s best friend. I mean, I wouldn’t make the big O want to reach in and manually tear out her ear drums so she would no longer have to suffer through my screeching along to the radio on an entire cross-country road trip, would I? But it’s more than that. It’s the Dr. Phil’s wife, Robin, factor. (Damn, there’s somebody else I should have included.) What I mean is, the show is called “Dr. Phil.” Why do we care what Robin has to say? (Recently I find it’s questionable whether or not we should care what Dr. Phil has to say.) Likewise, just because your best friend is famous does not necessarily mean you also need to take up air time on the highest rated talk show in American television history. Is it just me? Do we really care about Gayle’s favourite places to eat?
4. Carlo Rota. Maitre d’ turned actor, you may not know his name off the top of your head but trust me, he’s annoying. I was first annoyed by him on The Great Canadian Food Show. Hubby loves foodie type shows and the promise of seeing local places seems appealing. But I just can’t stomache Rota’s pretentious accent and self-important mug. Even the way he chews his food makes me want to smack him. It’s almost like a mathematical equation: take the degree of pompous, know-it-all-ness and multiply by how actually ignorant and lame a person is. Equals: Super annoying. I must confess, I haven’t watched Little Mosque on the Prairie, largely due to the fact that he’s in it. It may be that he’s not as annoying when he’s playing a character as when he’s being, you know, his annoying self. I started watching his interview on the Hour to see from the clips of the show if this is actually the case. But even the joy of watching my boyfriend, George Stroumboulopoulos, could not overcome my irritation with Rota so I couldn’t get through it. Maybe you will and you’ll let me know.
5. John Melendez. Fans of Stern will remember how Howard harped and harped about Stuttering John leaving his show to do Leno. He needn’t have given it so much thought. Other than announcing the lineup, what the heck does this guy do?? At least on Stern you heard him do his silly, stuttering red carpet bits every now and again. Apparently now all his comic writing skills can come up with is holding up a mug when his name is called. I read somewhere he’s getting $500K for that gig. Hey NBC, I’ll read some names and hold up a mug for half that. Hell, I’ll even throw in a list of 5!
I don’t watch those shows like The Bachelor and ANTM etc. So I know there are many more annoying TV faces out there that I haven’t even begun to touch upon. It’s a subject rife with possibilities, really. Tell me, who makes you want to tear off body parts and hurl them at the screen??
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
5 reasons I don’t want summer to end
1. No packing lunches. It’s been so nice not to deal with the mad scramble to plan a packed lunch in the morning. Yes, sometimes I still have to throw together a picnic, but since I’m a lucky mom whose kids don’t have food allergies, it’s a lot less stress. PB&J? No problem! This granola bar has nuts in it. All the better! I don’t have his name on this. Who cares! But come September I’ll be back to those mad dash mornings and reading labels on the lookout for “May contain.” And speaking of mad mornings…
2. Sleeping in. I’ve written before about how my children are not sleepers. They take after their father. I LOVE to sleep. And my logic is, it’s the person who’s genetically responsible for their early rising tendencies who should have to get up with them in the morning. Doesn’t that seem logical to you? During the summer my husband is not as busy with work so there are some mornings when he doesn’t have to dash off at his usual pre-sunrise time. And on those blissful mornings I get to sleep in. Sometimes even past 8 a.m.! No backpacks to arrange, no bus to catch, no mad dash mornings. Ahhh, illusive sleep.
3. Sunscreen over snowsuits. In the winter, when my kids yell, “Mom, we want to go outside and play in the snow,” I almost cringe. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as worried as the next mom about my kids getting enough fresh air, vitamin D and time away from the evil TV. But it’s the whole daunting process of gathering up all the boots, hats, mitts and snowsuits that causes the cringe factor. Inevitably a boot is missing, these mitts are wet, she doesn’t like that hat, she wants the other one. You have to try and get them to pee before you put everything on and then they always come back five minutes later, take everything off and then want to go out again five minutes after that. Painful. In the summer I hand them their hats and Crocs – which they can put on themselves, BTW – and off they go! Okay, maybe in this day and age we also have to deal with sunscreen. But there’s no on and off with lotion. I’ll take sunscreen over snowsuits any day of the week.
4. The sun. Towards the end of the summer I think we start taking for granted that we wake up to the sun and generally still have its wonderful, warm presence with us until around 9 p.m. I was on our usual evening walk with my neighbour when, at 8:30 p.m., we found ourselves losing light and I realized those days are fast coming to an end. It won’t be long before we wake up in darkness and come home in darkness. The only upside of this is that I’ll no longer have to convince my kids that, yes it’s still light out but it’s still time for bed.
5. The cottage. No, I’m not one of those lucky people who own one. Although, I still maintain that I have enough to keep me busy with the one house I own. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a whole other house that not only takes up as much time, money and effort to maintain, but also takes me hours to get to in order to expend said time, money and effort. But I digress. We rented a cottage this year, the first time we’ve done so on our own, just our little four person family. And so we experienced the long standing Canadian tradition of summer family time at a cottage. It was wonderful. Or I thought so. Hubby, who isn’t as used to spending 24-7 with two children who alternately love each other passionately and two minutes later fight equally passionately, thought it was slightly less wonderful. But, in my opinion, it’s a little harder to be stressed when you’re surrounded by sun, sand, gently l
apping waves and fresh air. The kids loved it when their dad buried them in the sand. Here’s a photo. Tell me, do I need to be worried that she wanted us to make her some boobies?
Stay tuned next week for 5 reasons I want these children to get back to school already!
2. Sleeping in. I’ve written before about how my children are not sleepers. They take after their father. I LOVE to sleep. And my logic is, it’s the person who’s genetically responsible for their early rising tendencies who should have to get up with them in the morning. Doesn’t that seem logical to you? During the summer my husband is not as busy with work so there are some mornings when he doesn’t have to dash off at his usual pre-sunrise time. And on those blissful mornings I get to sleep in. Sometimes even past 8 a.m.! No backpacks to arrange, no bus to catch, no mad dash mornings. Ahhh, illusive sleep.
3. Sunscreen over snowsuits. In the winter, when my kids yell, “Mom, we want to go outside and play in the snow,” I almost cringe. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as worried as the next mom about my kids getting enough fresh air, vitamin D and time away from the evil TV. But it’s the whole daunting process of gathering up all the boots, hats, mitts and snowsuits that causes the cringe factor. Inevitably a boot is missing, these mitts are wet, she doesn’t like that hat, she wants the other one. You have to try and get them to pee before you put everything on and then they always come back five minutes later, take everything off and then want to go out again five minutes after that. Painful. In the summer I hand them their hats and Crocs – which they can put on themselves, BTW – and off they go! Okay, maybe in this day and age we also have to deal with sunscreen. But there’s no on and off with lotion. I’ll take sunscreen over snowsuits any day of the week.
4. The sun. Towards the end of the summer I think we start taking for granted that we wake up to the sun and generally still have its wonderful, warm presence with us until around 9 p.m. I was on our usual evening walk with my neighbour when, at 8:30 p.m., we found ourselves losing light and I realized those days are fast coming to an end. It won’t be long before we wake up in darkness and come home in darkness. The only upside of this is that I’ll no longer have to convince my kids that, yes it’s still light out but it’s still time for bed.
5. The cottage. No, I’m not one of those lucky people who own one. Although, I still maintain that I have enough to keep me busy with the one house I own. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a whole other house that not only takes up as much time, money and effort to maintain, but also takes me hours to get to in order to expend said time, money and effort. But I digress. We rented a cottage this year, the first time we’ve done so on our own, just our little four person family. And so we experienced the long standing Canadian tradition of summer family time at a cottage. It was wonderful. Or I thought so. Hubby, who isn’t as used to spending 24-7 with two children who alternately love each other passionately and two minutes later fight equally passionately, thought it was slightly less wonderful. But, in my opinion, it’s a little harder to be stressed when you’re surrounded by sun, sand, gently l
apping waves and fresh air. The kids loved it when their dad buried them in the sand. Here’s a photo. Tell me, do I need to be worried that she wanted us to make her some boobies?Stay tuned next week for 5 reasons I want these children to get back to school already!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
5 reasons staying home with your kids is hard...
...but not for the reasons you thought.
1. Your new "occupation." I’ve heard moms who are at home full time hate getting the question “So, what do you do?” at dinner parties. To that I say … They let you out for dinner parties? Okay, kidding. For me, the issue is more about what to write on paperwork under “occupation.” I know Roseanne said ‘domestic goddess,’ (makes me think I should be riding in a chariot, not an SUV) or you sometimes hear “homemaker” (who am I, June Cleaver?). I usually opt for ‘stay-at-home mom’. But still, I don’t know. As a title it kind of sounds made up. Something about all the dashes.
2. Lack of alone time. I’ve mentioned before about the entourage following me into the bathroom. I SO wish I was kidding about that one. Especially at um, that time of the month… (“Mom, what’s that? A special bandaid?” I just know they’ll be asking for the special bandaid next time there’s an accident.). I never thought I was the kind of girl who needed a lot of alone time. I love being around people! But once you’re a mom you realize there are times when hearing that dreaded singsong-toned “Mo-om!” will have you fantasizing about the nearest Buddhist monastery.
3. The need for self-discipline. When you are in the work force, you get work done because they pay you, because you don’t want to get fired, because your boss says you have to. When you stay at home there’s no pay, you can’t get fired (some days you’re like, Please! Fire me!), and the boss is busy playing Lego. The prospect of being at home full-time sounded great to me before. Yeah, there’s laundry to do and bills to pay. But who’s going to bug me if I don’t do it right now. So maybe I spend two hours on Facebook or browsing blogs. (You know, hypothetically. Yeah, I would never actually do that. He he. Nervous laughter.) Then your husband gets home, regales you with stories of the big deals he’s nailed down today and asks you how your day went. Um, I discussed Eighties music trivia with someone from Alberta…?
4. Forced down time. Before I became a mom I understood that Being a Mom is the Hardest Job in the World. But I always thought it was because you are so busy. Busy taking little Jimmy to baseball practice and little Susie to ballet. And there are times like that (and not just in the Fifties when people actually had kids named Jimmy and Susie). But what I didn’t know about was the other time. The time when you have six people coming for dinner in fifteen minutes and you still need to vacuum, make a salad and have a shower. But you can’t do any of it because there’s a baby attached to your boob. Or when you really have to get out to the grocery store, the bank and the dry cleaners before it closes but you can’t because someone’s having a nap. So you just have to sit. Sit and stew about all the things you should be doing but can’t.
5. Nobody cares if you’re sick. Do you remember what getting a bad cold was like before you had kids? I almost kind of looked forward to it. You call in sick to work, make yourself a hot cup of tea, grab the Kleenex box and your blankets and hunker down on the couch for eight hours of watching daytime TV and generally feeling sorry for yourself. And now? Now, you’re lucky if someone says, “Bless you” when you sneeze. Lunches still need to be made, buses need to be caught, diapers need to be changed. You take some Tylenol Cold and you suck it up. (Ewww, not literally. You know what I mean.)
1. Your new "occupation." I’ve heard moms who are at home full time hate getting the question “So, what do you do?” at dinner parties. To that I say … They let you out for dinner parties? Okay, kidding. For me, the issue is more about what to write on paperwork under “occupation.” I know Roseanne said ‘domestic goddess,’ (makes me think I should be riding in a chariot, not an SUV) or you sometimes hear “homemaker” (who am I, June Cleaver?). I usually opt for ‘stay-at-home mom’. But still, I don’t know. As a title it kind of sounds made up. Something about all the dashes.
2. Lack of alone time. I’ve mentioned before about the entourage following me into the bathroom. I SO wish I was kidding about that one. Especially at um, that time of the month… (“Mom, what’s that? A special bandaid?” I just know they’ll be asking for the special bandaid next time there’s an accident.). I never thought I was the kind of girl who needed a lot of alone time. I love being around people! But once you’re a mom you realize there are times when hearing that dreaded singsong-toned “Mo-om!” will have you fantasizing about the nearest Buddhist monastery.
3. The need for self-discipline. When you are in the work force, you get work done because they pay you, because you don’t want to get fired, because your boss says you have to. When you stay at home there’s no pay, you can’t get fired (some days you’re like, Please! Fire me!), and the boss is busy playing Lego. The prospect of being at home full-time sounded great to me before. Yeah, there’s laundry to do and bills to pay. But who’s going to bug me if I don’t do it right now. So maybe I spend two hours on Facebook or browsing blogs. (You know, hypothetically. Yeah, I would never actually do that. He he. Nervous laughter.) Then your husband gets home, regales you with stories of the big deals he’s nailed down today and asks you how your day went. Um, I discussed Eighties music trivia with someone from Alberta…?
4. Forced down time. Before I became a mom I understood that Being a Mom is the Hardest Job in the World. But I always thought it was because you are so busy. Busy taking little Jimmy to baseball practice and little Susie to ballet. And there are times like that (and not just in the Fifties when people actually had kids named Jimmy and Susie). But what I didn’t know about was the other time. The time when you have six people coming for dinner in fifteen minutes and you still need to vacuum, make a salad and have a shower. But you can’t do any of it because there’s a baby attached to your boob. Or when you really have to get out to the grocery store, the bank and the dry cleaners before it closes but you can’t because someone’s having a nap. So you just have to sit. Sit and stew about all the things you should be doing but can’t.
5. Nobody cares if you’re sick. Do you remember what getting a bad cold was like before you had kids? I almost kind of looked forward to it. You call in sick to work, make yourself a hot cup of tea, grab the Kleenex box and your blankets and hunker down on the couch for eight hours of watching daytime TV and generally feeling sorry for yourself. And now? Now, you’re lucky if someone says, “Bless you” when you sneeze. Lunches still need to be made, buses need to be caught, diapers need to be changed. You take some Tylenol Cold and you suck it up. (Ewww, not literally. You know what I mean.)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
5 fishy celebrity coincidences
Does anyone else ever feel manipulated by the press when it comes to salacious celebrity headlines? “Pop icon Britney Spears was spotted yesterday dealing crack to toddlers. Pause. Watch Britney on CBS’s How I Met Your Mother, Mondays, 8:30 eastern.”
Now obviously I use Brit Brit in jest, since her media whoring past means she can now garner press for such riveting activities as going to the dentist or buying jeans. Not to mention that she has less and less to promote these days. But how do you feel about these five celebrity viral stories that seem to conveniently coincide with upcoming promotions?
1. Christian Bale
On July 18, 2008, Warner Brothers released The Dark Knight in North America. Not to say there wasn’t enough “dark” hype already surrounding the movie after Heath Ledger’s untimely passing in January. But four days later on July 22, 2008, Christian Bale’s arrest for assault was all over the news. It was later reported the arrest happened in Britain where you can apparently be arrested for “verbal assault.” Against your mother and sister. Really? Some guy yells at his mother and this is what makes headlines? They’d wanna be at my house when I’m tired and renege on a bedtime story promise to my son. Anyway. “See Christian as Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, in The Dark Knight. In theatres now.”
2. Kanye West
I know that I’m a suburban, stay-at-home mom whose iPod is filled mainly with George Michael and Billy Joel so that it can’t be a shock that prior to September 2, 2005 I had never heard the name Kanye West. But I sure as heck knew who he was after he stood there next to Mike Meyers on the Katrina telethon and made his “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” comment. All I had to do was turn on CNN. Suddenly even a white, middle-class, soccer mom would be familiar with this rapper if she came across his album, Late Registration, which just happened to drop two days before on August 30, 2005.
3. Tom Cruise
You knew I’d have to include this one. Who could forget Tom Cruise waxing romantic about his new relationship with Katie Holmes on Oprah? Even spiritual guru Eckhart Tolle knew he was “the one who jumped on the couch.” Yes, Tom was a busy boy during May and June of 2005. Promoting War of the Worlds for its release on June 29th, you ask? If by promoting a movie you mean professing his (questionable) love, jumping on couches and spewing venom at Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, then yes. Mission accomplished.
4. Alec Baldwin
There was a while in the early 2000s when I felt like I heard Alec Baldwin’s voice everywhere. From movies to SNL to guest spots on Friends and Will and Grace, it seemed like I couldn’t get away from him. That was when I had a two year old son who was really into Thomas the Tank Engine. Max would be engrossed in the adventures on the island of Sodor and I’d be thinking, Oh my god, I even hear that Schweaty ball voice on Treehouse. Now I’ve really lost it. But none of this prepared me for April 19, 2007, after TMZ posted “Alec Baldwin’s threatening message to daughter” complete with the recorded tirade. I had become accustomed to Baldwin’s voice talking to children about Percy, Henry and Sir Topham Hat. Not screaming “thoughtless little pig” and vowing to “straighten your ass out.” Baldwin was more ubiquitous than ever. Just in time for the April 26th season one finale of 30 Rock.
5. David Hasselhoff
As someone who’s had the experience of partaking in a Mojito or five and then having someone take out a camera (you did delete those, right Jenn?) I kind of sympathize with David Hasselhoff. Maybe a snapshot of someone on a Girls Only Weekend seemingly slumped inanimate on a kitchen table yet still conscious enough to hold one arm up heroically in the air (again, deleted, right?) is not the same as a video of someone lying drunk and minimally clothed on a floor eating a cheeseburger in front of his daughter, but still. After this video was released to the media on May 3, 2007, I made a mental note never to buy my children a video camera. Then I tuned in on June 5, 2007 for the season two premiere of America’s Got Talent. I had to see if the Hoff managed to stay sober during the obligatory sappy back story and subsequent singing/dancing/fire eating/burlesque number. I know I find it hard.
They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity. You tell me – am I too cynical and jaded? Is it wrong that as soon as I heard Stephen Page was busted for cocaine possession that I wondered when the new BNL album was being released?
Now obviously I use Brit Brit in jest, since her media whoring past means she can now garner press for such riveting activities as going to the dentist or buying jeans. Not to mention that she has less and less to promote these days. But how do you feel about these five celebrity viral stories that seem to conveniently coincide with upcoming promotions?
1. Christian Bale
On July 18, 2008, Warner Brothers released The Dark Knight in North America. Not to say there wasn’t enough “dark” hype already surrounding the movie after Heath Ledger’s untimely passing in January. But four days later on July 22, 2008, Christian Bale’s arrest for assault was all over the news. It was later reported the arrest happened in Britain where you can apparently be arrested for “verbal assault.” Against your mother and sister. Really? Some guy yells at his mother and this is what makes headlines? They’d wanna be at my house when I’m tired and renege on a bedtime story promise to my son. Anyway. “See Christian as Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, in The Dark Knight. In theatres now.”
2. Kanye West
I know that I’m a suburban, stay-at-home mom whose iPod is filled mainly with George Michael and Billy Joel so that it can’t be a shock that prior to September 2, 2005 I had never heard the name Kanye West. But I sure as heck knew who he was after he stood there next to Mike Meyers on the Katrina telethon and made his “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” comment. All I had to do was turn on CNN. Suddenly even a white, middle-class, soccer mom would be familiar with this rapper if she came across his album, Late Registration, which just happened to drop two days before on August 30, 2005.
3. Tom Cruise
You knew I’d have to include this one. Who could forget Tom Cruise waxing romantic about his new relationship with Katie Holmes on Oprah? Even spiritual guru Eckhart Tolle knew he was “the one who jumped on the couch.” Yes, Tom was a busy boy during May and June of 2005. Promoting War of the Worlds for its release on June 29th, you ask? If by promoting a movie you mean professing his (questionable) love, jumping on couches and spewing venom at Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, then yes. Mission accomplished.
4. Alec Baldwin
There was a while in the early 2000s when I felt like I heard Alec Baldwin’s voice everywhere. From movies to SNL to guest spots on Friends and Will and Grace, it seemed like I couldn’t get away from him. That was when I had a two year old son who was really into Thomas the Tank Engine. Max would be engrossed in the adventures on the island of Sodor and I’d be thinking, Oh my god, I even hear that Schweaty ball voice on Treehouse. Now I’ve really lost it. But none of this prepared me for April 19, 2007, after TMZ posted “Alec Baldwin’s threatening message to daughter” complete with the recorded tirade. I had become accustomed to Baldwin’s voice talking to children about Percy, Henry and Sir Topham Hat. Not screaming “thoughtless little pig” and vowing to “straighten your ass out.” Baldwin was more ubiquitous than ever. Just in time for the April 26th season one finale of 30 Rock.
5. David Hasselhoff
As someone who’s had the experience of partaking in a Mojito or five and then having someone take out a camera (you did delete those, right Jenn?) I kind of sympathize with David Hasselhoff. Maybe a snapshot of someone on a Girls Only Weekend seemingly slumped inanimate on a kitchen table yet still conscious enough to hold one arm up heroically in the air (again, deleted, right?) is not the same as a video of someone lying drunk and minimally clothed on a floor eating a cheeseburger in front of his daughter, but still. After this video was released to the media on May 3, 2007, I made a mental note never to buy my children a video camera. Then I tuned in on June 5, 2007 for the season two premiere of America’s Got Talent. I had to see if the Hoff managed to stay sober during the obligatory sappy back story and subsequent singing/dancing/fire eating/burlesque number. I know I find it hard.
They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity. You tell me – am I too cynical and jaded? Is it wrong that as soon as I heard Stephen Page was busted for cocaine possession that I wondered when the new BNL album was being released?
Monday, July 28, 2008
5 reasons I hate cooking dinner
1. Deciding what to make. It’s just pure laziness on my part but if someone would just tell me what to make everyday it wouldn’t be half as bad. Trying to find something that’s: healthy, tasty, quick, easy, low-fat, appealing to children, appealing to a man who doesn’t eat fish, can be difficult. Once I tried to make a monthly meal plan with coordinating weekly grocery lists. Then I had children.
2. Grocery shopping. Some of my friends say they like grocery shopping. They say they find it calming. I don’t know where they’re shopping or where they’ve stashed their children while they’re doing it but there are many things I find more calming than grocery shopping. Like a Tarantino movie, for example. My daughter sounds something like this at the grocery store: "I don’t want a cart!" (if we’re getting a cart) "I want a cart!" (if we’re not getting a cart) "I want to sit in the cart." "No, I want baby to sit in the cart." "No, I want to stand on the end of the cart." "No, I want to walk beside the cart like a big girl." Two seconds later she tears off down the aisle causing other patrons to abruptly stop their carts lest they run over a small girl whose mother should obviously know better and put her in a cart. All this while I’m pleading, “Mama just has to find one more thing Sarah! Just one more thing!” Now where do they keep the water chestnuts? With the canned vegetables? Is a water chestnut a vegetable? Canned fruit perhaps? I finally find them… with the Asian food. Go figure!
3. Nobody likes it/eats it. Here’s the dinner scenario at our house: I’ve chosen some crazy recipe off the net they’ve claimed is fast, easy and “sure to please.” I’ve braved the grocery store. I’ve managed to find all the esoteric ingredients. I’ve washed, sliced, diced, steamed, pan fried, broiled my little heart out, trying to time everything to come together so we can all sit down as a family and enjoy a nice, home cooked meal. I place their dishes in front of my darlings to a chorus of “What’s this?” “I don’t like that.” “This smells weird.” To be fair, my beloved husband (who is a very good chef and actually likes cooking) is always encouraging and the most negative thing he says is, “Um, I wouldn’t say this one is a do-over, babe.” Much better than what my father would say when we were kids. After my mother would try some new recipe she found in the newspaper, Big Al would push his chair back and pronounce, “If that’s dinner, I’ve had it.”
4. Everyone would rather be eating Sponge Bob Alphaghetti anyway. Right? I mean, who am I kidding. Nobody but me is worried about four food groups.
5. You have to do it all over again the next day. Oh joy. Somebody pass me the can opener.
2. Grocery shopping. Some of my friends say they like grocery shopping. They say they find it calming. I don’t know where they’re shopping or where they’ve stashed their children while they’re doing it but there are many things I find more calming than grocery shopping. Like a Tarantino movie, for example. My daughter sounds something like this at the grocery store: "I don’t want a cart!" (if we’re getting a cart) "I want a cart!" (if we’re not getting a cart) "I want to sit in the cart." "No, I want baby to sit in the cart." "No, I want to stand on the end of the cart." "No, I want to walk beside the cart like a big girl." Two seconds later she tears off down the aisle causing other patrons to abruptly stop their carts lest they run over a small girl whose mother should obviously know better and put her in a cart. All this while I’m pleading, “Mama just has to find one more thing Sarah! Just one more thing!” Now where do they keep the water chestnuts? With the canned vegetables? Is a water chestnut a vegetable? Canned fruit perhaps? I finally find them… with the Asian food. Go figure!
3. Nobody likes it/eats it. Here’s the dinner scenario at our house: I’ve chosen some crazy recipe off the net they’ve claimed is fast, easy and “sure to please.” I’ve braved the grocery store. I’ve managed to find all the esoteric ingredients. I’ve washed, sliced, diced, steamed, pan fried, broiled my little heart out, trying to time everything to come together so we can all sit down as a family and enjoy a nice, home cooked meal. I place their dishes in front of my darlings to a chorus of “What’s this?” “I don’t like that.” “This smells weird.” To be fair, my beloved husband (who is a very good chef and actually likes cooking) is always encouraging and the most negative thing he says is, “Um, I wouldn’t say this one is a do-over, babe.” Much better than what my father would say when we were kids. After my mother would try some new recipe she found in the newspaper, Big Al would push his chair back and pronounce, “If that’s dinner, I’ve had it.”
4. Everyone would rather be eating Sponge Bob Alphaghetti anyway. Right? I mean, who am I kidding. Nobody but me is worried about four food groups.
5. You have to do it all over again the next day. Oh joy. Somebody pass me the can opener.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
5 strange and inappropriate songs my kids love
Like so many, I love my iPod and I love that I can play it in my vehicle. One side effect though, is that my children are introduced to songs to which they wouldn’t otherwise be exposed. But thanks to my beloved iPod they continually request songs like:
London Bridge. I mean the one by Fergie. You know, with questionable lyrics like “How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down.” Not what you want to hear out of the mouth of your three-year-old daughter. Or six-year-old son, for that matter.
Hey Big Spender. Okay, at the risk of being mocked relentlessly and revealing myself as the total nerd that I am, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and admit something totally embarrassing. I like to download karaoke versions of songs and then sing them as I drive. I know! Never bring this up to me in conversation. I will deny it and pretend I made it up purely for your amusement. Anyway. This song is one of my favourites and the kids have the singing cred to prove it. Imagine one little miss Sarah suddenly belting out, “Hey big spender! Spe-eend … a little time with me” in the middle of Zellers. Freaking hilarious.
I’m Just a Kid. Simple Plan’s homage to teen angst seems to be harmless enough, if maybe a little depressing. Although, one could question my parenting skills when Max’s favourite song laments, “I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare.” The biggest problem with this song, however, is that I accidentally downloaded the explicit version. Instead of the radio version that asks “What the hell is wrong with me?” the version I have spits out, “What the f&$* is wrong with me?” Whoops! I have to have my fingers poised on the volume button each time that part comes up. Why not just download the radio edit, you ask? That would be way too easy!
Kung Fu Fighting. My sister introduced my kids to the original Carl Douglas version of this song. Shortly after Kung Fu Panda was released there was no going back. My kids just love to shout out “Hu!” and “Ha!” while making karate chop motions along to this song. But it is a lot more politically incorrect than I remember it. Aside from including the tacky oriental riff through the whole song, the line “They were funky China Men from funky China Town” sorta makes my PI radar go up.
If it Wasnae for your Wellies. Here’s one the non-Scottish contingent may not be familiar with. It’s a little ditty from Scottish comedian Billy Connolly that I downloaded for my father about “the importance of Wellington boots in Scottish culture.” Normally Billy has quite the “blue” sense of humour (Check him out if you don’t believe me). Luckily, in this version, the worst thing he says is “Jesus Christ.” But because of his Scottish accent my children sing along with lyrics like “… you’d be in the hospital or in family” instead of “infirmary.” I couldn’t figure out what Max was talking about when he asked me what “gai-ya-bun-dun” meant until I heard Billy suggest you sing the song by “leaping into it in a mood of gay abandon.”
London Bridge. I mean the one by Fergie. You know, with questionable lyrics like “How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down.” Not what you want to hear out of the mouth of your three-year-old daughter. Or six-year-old son, for that matter.
Hey Big Spender. Okay, at the risk of being mocked relentlessly and revealing myself as the total nerd that I am, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and admit something totally embarrassing. I like to download karaoke versions of songs and then sing them as I drive. I know! Never bring this up to me in conversation. I will deny it and pretend I made it up purely for your amusement. Anyway. This song is one of my favourites and the kids have the singing cred to prove it. Imagine one little miss Sarah suddenly belting out, “Hey big spender! Spe-eend … a little time with me” in the middle of Zellers. Freaking hilarious.
I’m Just a Kid. Simple Plan’s homage to teen angst seems to be harmless enough, if maybe a little depressing. Although, one could question my parenting skills when Max’s favourite song laments, “I’m just a kid and life is a nightmare.” The biggest problem with this song, however, is that I accidentally downloaded the explicit version. Instead of the radio version that asks “What the hell is wrong with me?” the version I have spits out, “What the f&$* is wrong with me?” Whoops! I have to have my fingers poised on the volume button each time that part comes up. Why not just download the radio edit, you ask? That would be way too easy!
Kung Fu Fighting. My sister introduced my kids to the original Carl Douglas version of this song. Shortly after Kung Fu Panda was released there was no going back. My kids just love to shout out “Hu!” and “Ha!” while making karate chop motions along to this song. But it is a lot more politically incorrect than I remember it. Aside from including the tacky oriental riff through the whole song, the line “They were funky China Men from funky China Town” sorta makes my PI radar go up.
If it Wasnae for your Wellies. Here’s one the non-Scottish contingent may not be familiar with. It’s a little ditty from Scottish comedian Billy Connolly that I downloaded for my father about “the importance of Wellington boots in Scottish culture.” Normally Billy has quite the “blue” sense of humour (Check him out if you don’t believe me). Luckily, in this version, the worst thing he says is “Jesus Christ.” But because of his Scottish accent my children sing along with lyrics like “… you’d be in the hospital or in family” instead of “infirmary.” I couldn’t figure out what Max was talking about when he asked me what “gai-ya-bun-dun” meant until I heard Billy suggest you sing the song by “leaping into it in a mood of gay abandon.”
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
5 challenges of getting out the door with children
Choosing toys to bring. What is going to keep them occupied while I’m meeting with the financial planner / naked under the gown at the doctor’s office / visiting friends who have no children and whose house is therefore devoid of toddler appropriate items but rife with breakables and cupboards containing poisonous cleaners? Toys! When I ask them what toys they’d like to bring they inevitably make suggestions like: My dollhouse! (too big) My paints! (too messy) My whoopy cushion! (you can imagine…)
Remembering snacks. Every mom knows that ensuring you leave the house equipped with appropriate snacks can be the key to surviving an extended car trip. I have a cupboard full of granola bars, fruit bars, drink boxes and similar grab-and-go treats to aid in my quick getaway. But sometimes I just don’t think to bring them. Like the mornings when we’re not rushed and I just have to give them breakfast and make a quick trip over to Walmart. I ask my darlings, “What would you like for breakfast?” They tell me. I make it. They don’t eat it. Then we’re hurtling along the 403 at 110km/hr and they announce, “We’re hungry! We want snacks! What do you mean you can’t magically produce food in the truck??”
Others are not on the same page. As I’m running around the house like the proverbial chicken sans head trying to round up the above-mentioned items, the others in my home are likely to be doing something like: Husband: calmly shaving and showering; Six year old son: making a “really cool fort, Mom!” by pulling every cushion and pillow off every couch, propping them against each other and then yelling at me when the cushions don’t stay; Three year old daughter: dressed like a princess (despite me having spent fifteen minutes cajoling her into her beach clothes ten minutes previous), is also donning her bike helmet since she has caught a glimpse of her bike in the garage, while I was in and out packing the truck, and has decided she needs to go for a bike ride, “…RIGHT NOW, Mama!”
The Potty. What is it about the final “potty call” before heading out the door that some kids find so off-putting? My son was never like this. I’m certain, though, that my daughter could be busting at the seams, but if we’re heading out the door and I hopefully ask, “Sarah, do you have to go pee pee before we go?” she invariably says, “NO! I don’t have to go pee!” I’ve tried everything from imploring pitifully – “Please, Sarah, please go pee pee for Mama…” – to trying a tougher stance – “Sarah, the rule is everyone has to go pee pee before we leave the house. Mama went. Max went. You have to try. At least try!” It doesn’t matter. All tactics end in a huge crying fit and the inevitable outcome of being out on the highway, nowhere near a bathroom, and hearing, “Mama, I have to go pee.” And that’s the good outcome. The other is a puddle.
The illusive item no one can find. We’re going swimming, everyone’s finally ready to go, everything’s packed. On top of toys and snacks I’ve managed to remember sunscreen, towels, bathing suits, bug spray, sunglasses, cameras, everything! Except. I just bought the kids goggles recently so the chlorine won’t hurt their eyes. They were delighted; for two days they wore them everywhere. But now that we’re actually going to a pool the goggles are nowhere to be found. I’m raving like a madwoman and have everyone in the house (finally on the same page!) looking for them. While I'm hunting my internal dialogue goes something like this: No one in this house puts anything back where they’ve found it! Everyone just leaves everything lying everywhere. Nobody ever knows where anything is. Everyone expects ME to find everything! If it were up to ME I would have put them where we could find them the next time we were going swimming - with the water wings! Oh, hold on… I go to the cupboard with the water wings. Voilà. Goggles. And I almost forgot the water wings.
Remembering snacks. Every mom knows that ensuring you leave the house equipped with appropriate snacks can be the key to surviving an extended car trip. I have a cupboard full of granola bars, fruit bars, drink boxes and similar grab-and-go treats to aid in my quick getaway. But sometimes I just don’t think to bring them. Like the mornings when we’re not rushed and I just have to give them breakfast and make a quick trip over to Walmart. I ask my darlings, “What would you like for breakfast?” They tell me. I make it. They don’t eat it. Then we’re hurtling along the 403 at 110km/hr and they announce, “We’re hungry! We want snacks! What do you mean you can’t magically produce food in the truck??”
Others are not on the same page. As I’m running around the house like the proverbial chicken sans head trying to round up the above-mentioned items, the others in my home are likely to be doing something like: Husband: calmly shaving and showering; Six year old son: making a “really cool fort, Mom!” by pulling every cushion and pillow off every couch, propping them against each other and then yelling at me when the cushions don’t stay; Three year old daughter: dressed like a princess (despite me having spent fifteen minutes cajoling her into her beach clothes ten minutes previous), is also donning her bike helmet since she has caught a glimpse of her bike in the garage, while I was in and out packing the truck, and has decided she needs to go for a bike ride, “…RIGHT NOW, Mama!”
The Potty. What is it about the final “potty call” before heading out the door that some kids find so off-putting? My son was never like this. I’m certain, though, that my daughter could be busting at the seams, but if we’re heading out the door and I hopefully ask, “Sarah, do you have to go pee pee before we go?” she invariably says, “NO! I don’t have to go pee!” I’ve tried everything from imploring pitifully – “Please, Sarah, please go pee pee for Mama…” – to trying a tougher stance – “Sarah, the rule is everyone has to go pee pee before we leave the house. Mama went. Max went. You have to try. At least try!” It doesn’t matter. All tactics end in a huge crying fit and the inevitable outcome of being out on the highway, nowhere near a bathroom, and hearing, “Mama, I have to go pee.” And that’s the good outcome. The other is a puddle.
The illusive item no one can find. We’re going swimming, everyone’s finally ready to go, everything’s packed. On top of toys and snacks I’ve managed to remember sunscreen, towels, bathing suits, bug spray, sunglasses, cameras, everything! Except. I just bought the kids goggles recently so the chlorine won’t hurt their eyes. They were delighted; for two days they wore them everywhere. But now that we’re actually going to a pool the goggles are nowhere to be found. I’m raving like a madwoman and have everyone in the house (finally on the same page!) looking for them. While I'm hunting my internal dialogue goes something like this: No one in this house puts anything back where they’ve found it! Everyone just leaves everything lying everywhere. Nobody ever knows where anything is. Everyone expects ME to find everything! If it were up to ME I would have put them where we could find them the next time we were going swimming - with the water wings! Oh, hold on… I go to the cupboard with the water wings. Voilà. Goggles. And I almost forgot the water wings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)